Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
