Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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