some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
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They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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