I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
