3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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