If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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