she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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