i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
