i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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