So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
