ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
