Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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