hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
