i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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