I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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