You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
