God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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