Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
