I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
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3pm strippers are depressing
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.