I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.