I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
