You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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