Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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