i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
