i just wanna soil my oats bro
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.