I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
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just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.