3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
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That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
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Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.