Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed