stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
