I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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