why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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