If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
