i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
