I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize