Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
