I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
