before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
