Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We had to coat check the pizza.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
