Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
