6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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