grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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