If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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