if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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