Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Someone shit on the floor
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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