My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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