fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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