He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
