I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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