Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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