this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
