Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
is that a dick in a sweater?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
