If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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