I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize