He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
