somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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