Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
