We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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