Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
