I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
