it's too hot outside to masturbate.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize