im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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