Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
