Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
